Hmmm.....


1. How is it that a building burns up as it burns down?

2. Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?

3. Can I yell "movie" in a crowded firehouse?

4. Can you be a closet claustrophobic?

5. How do a fool and his money GET together?

6. Why does Hawaii have interstate highways?

7. What happened to the first 6 "ups"?

8. If a bus station is where a bus stops, and a train station is where a train stops, what is a workstation?

9. If nothing ever sticks to Teflon, how do they make Teflon stick to the pan?

10. If the pen is mightier than the sword, and a picture is worth a thousand words, how dangerous is a fax?

11. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

12. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

13. What was the best thing before sliced bread?

14. Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds" fee on money they already know you don't have?

15. Why do they put Braille on the drive through bank machines?

16. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

17. If you get cheated by the Better Business Bureau, who do you complain to?

18. What are Preparation A through Preparation G?

19. In a country of free speech, why are there phone bills?

20. Did Washington flash a quarter when asked for ID?

21. How come there aren't B batteries?

22. If the post office has machines that can sort snail mail at 1000's of times per minute, then why do they give it to a little old man on a bike to deliver?

23. How do "Do not walk on the grass" signs get there?

24. Why do black olives come in cans and green olives come in jars?

25. Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?

26. How is it possible to have a civil war?

27. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

28. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

29. If the #2 pencil is so popular, why is it still #2?

30. Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

31. If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?

32. When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you're just sitting there, staring at carpeting?

33. How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

34. How do you know that honesty is the best policy until you have tried some of the others?

35. How do you throw away a garbage can?

36. How does a thermos know if the drink should be hot or cold?

37. How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?

38. Do you realize how many holes there could be if people would just take the time to take the dirt out of them?

39. If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?

40. If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?

41. What happens to an 18 hour bra after 18 hours?

42. Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

43. Why do hot dogs come 10 to a package and hot dog buns only 8?

44. Why do tourists go to the tops of tall buildings and then put money into telescopes so they can see things on the ground close-up?

45. Why is it that bullets ricochet off of Superman's chest, but he ducks when the gun is thrown at him?

46. Why is it that night falls but day breaks?

47. Why is it that you must wait until night to call it a day?

48. What if the Hokey Pokey IS what its all about?

49. If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

50. Just think how much deeper the ocean would be if sponges didn't live there.

51. If a cow laughed, would milk come out its nose?

52. If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

53. I went for a walk last night and my kids asked me how long I'd be gone. I said, "The whole time."

54. After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting OUT of the water?

55. Why isnt there mouse flavored cat food?

56. If you're sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?

57. Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?

58. Do they have reserved parking for non-handicapped people at the Special Olympics?

59. When a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.95 per minute.

60. If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?

61. Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?

62. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?

63. Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?

64. How come abbreviation is such a long word?

65. Why do you press harder on a remote control when you know the battery is dead?

66. Why are they called buildings, when they're already finished? Shouldn't they be called builts?

67. If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?

68. If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward, would the taxi driver end up owing you money?

69. What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way?

70. If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?

71. When two airplanes almost collide why do they call it a near miss? It sounds like a near hit to me!

72. Do fish get cramps after eating?

73. Why are there 5 syllables in the word "monosyllabic"?

74. Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?

75. If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?

76. When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?

77. Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's not a door?

78. If "con" is the opposite of "pro," then what is the opposite of progress?

79. Why is it that lemon juice contains mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?

80. Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of?

81. Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?

82. Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?

83. What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?

84. Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

85. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

86. Should you trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel agent?

87. Is boneless chicken considered to be an invertebrate?

88. Do married people live longer than single people or does it just SEEM longer?

89. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

90. If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?

91. Isn't the best way to save face to keep the lower part shut?

92. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

93. If someone has a midlife crisis while playing hide and seek does he automatically lose cuz he cant find himself?

94. Where do forest rangers go to get away from it all?

95. If sign makers go on strike are their picket signs blank?

96. Is there another word for synonym?

97. Why do you park on a drive way and drive on a park way?

98. When you open a new bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away?

99. If white wine goes with fish, does white grapes go with sushi?

100. How can there be self-help groups?

101. Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do 'practice'?

102. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

103. Do those poker playing dogs have paintings of humans playing fetch?

104. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

105. When cats fall they always land on their feet. When toast falls, it always lands buttered side down. So what happens if you strap a piece of buttered toast to the back of a cat and drop it?

106. Did the first roll of toilet paper have instructions?

107. Why is it that when someone tastes something bad, that want you to try it, but when it tastes good they won't share?

108. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

109. Why do noses run and feet smell?

110. So, what's the speed of dark?

111. Places that have those signs, 'NO shirt, NO shoes, NO service'. What are they thinking? Don't they think things like pants are important also?

112. Why do we play intstruments at a recital, but we recite lines at a play?

113. If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?

114. Wanna know what ticks me off? People who are willing to get off their butt to search the entire room for the darn tv remote because the refuse to walk to the tv and change it manually.

115. If quiters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with the phrase, 'Quit while your ahead.'

116. Why did kamikazee pilots wear crash helmets? Seems like a waste of a lot of good crash helmets.

117. Is it possible to be illegaly blind?

118. Why do sky divers wear helmets?

119. Why is it that someone can tell us there are a billon stars in the sky and we believe them, but if someone tells us there is wet paint we have to touch it to find out?

120. Can vegatarians eat animal crackers?

121. Do pediatricians play miniature golf on Wednesdays?

122. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

123. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?

124. If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?

125. If you ate pasta and anti-pasta, would you still be hungry?

126. Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren't going as ghosts but as mattresses?

127. If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

128. If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him...is he still wrong?

129. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

130. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

131. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

132. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

133. Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

134. Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?

135. Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?

136. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?

137. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?

138. Why do "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?

139. Why do "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?

140. Why do 'tug' boats push their barges?

141. Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there?

142. Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?

143. Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?

144. Doesn't 'expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?

145. Why are a 'wise man' and a 'wise guy' opposites?

146. How can overlook and oversee be opposites, while quite a lot and quite a few are alike?

147. Why is phonics not spelled the way it sounds?

148. If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?

149. Why is bra singular and panties plural?

150. Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?

151. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

152. Why does a shipment go by truck and cargo go by boat?

153. Why don't they call mustaches "mouthbrows"?

154. If you throw a cat out a car window, does it become kitty litter?

155. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

156. Is it OK to use the AM radio after noon?

157. What do chickens think we taste like?

158. What do people in China call their good plates?

159. What do you call a male ladybug?

160. When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?

161. When they first invented the clock, how did they know what time it was to set it?

162. Which is the other side of the street?

163. Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards.

164. OK...so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags" and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs," what does that make the Tennessee Titans?

165. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that one enjoys it?

166. "I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that-"I do" is the longest sentence?

167. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

168. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.

169. When someone asks you, A penny for your thoughts,and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?

170. Why is the man (or woman) who invests all your money called a broker?

171. When cheese gets it's picture taken, what does it say?

172. Why isn't 11 pronounced onety one?

173. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted?

174. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

175. If mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

176. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they delivered the mail?

177. If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

178. If you play a blank tape at full volume and have a mime for a neighbor, will he complain?

179. If you decide that you're indecisive, which one are you?

180. Why is it we have the weight of the world on our shoulders but have to get it off our chests?

181. Why does everyone speak different languages and have different accents if we all originally came from the same place?

182. Why do they call it a running back when he is running foward?

183. If you tell someone they are being judgmental, aren't you being judgmental yourself?

184. Why do they call it your "bottom", when it's really in the middle of your body?

185. Why do British people never sound British when they sing?

186. Why do they call them guidance counselors when all counselors do is offer guidance?

187. Why do they call it "head over heels in love" If our head is always over our heels?

188. Why is the name of the phobia for the fear of long words... Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia?

189. If someone can't see, they're blind and if someone cant hear, they're deaf, so what do you call people who can't smell?

190. How do they get those boats in those glass bottles?

191. Why would superman want to leap over the tallest building in a single bound if he can fly?

192. How did the headless horseman know where he was going?

193. Do cows drink milk?

194. Can a guy named Nick have a 'nick' name?

195. Why are semi-trucks bigger than regular trucks?

196. If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bullshit?

197. Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?

198. Why do they put "for indoor or outdoor use only" on Christmas lights? Where else are you gonna use them?

199. If Dracula has no reflection, how come he always had such a straight parting in his hair?

200. If an ambulance is on its way to save someone, and it runs someone over, does it stop to help them?

201. Why is Grape Nuts cereal called that, when it contains neither grapes, nor nuts?

202. Why do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front?

203. What ever happened to an E grade? We have A,B,C,D,F but no E.

204. Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

205. What do you call a female daddy long legs?

206. Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?

207. If a transport truck carrying a load of cars gets into a car accident, does it increase the number of the cars in the pile-up?

208. In France do people just ask for toast and get French toast? or do they have to ask for American toast?

209. Why is it called a "drive through" if you have to stop?

210. If a cow laughed real hard, would milk come out their nose?

211. Aren't all generalizations false?

212. Can atheists get insurance for acts of God?

213. Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?

214. How can you tell when your out of invisible ink?

215. Why is there an eject button on the VCR remote? Don't you have to get up to get to the tape?

216. Can somene get addicted to counseling? If so, how could you treat them?

217. Did Adam and Eve have navels?

218. Did the early settlers ever go on a camping trip?

219. Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you? But when you take him in a car, he sticks his head out the window!

220. Do one legged ducks swim in circles?

221. Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as 4's?

222. Does anybody ever vanish with a trace?

223. Does the little mermaid wear an algebra?

224. Does the Postmaster General need a stamp of approval?

225. Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

226. How can someone "draw a blank"?

227. How can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell another?

228. How do you know when yogurt goes bad?

229. How does a shelf salesman keep his store from looking empty?

230. How fast do you have to go to keep up with the sun so you're never in darkness?

231. If a woman can be a meter maid, can a man be a meter butler?

232. If God dropped acid, would he see people?

233. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

234. How many people thought of the Post-It note before it was invented but just didn't have anything to jot it down on?

235. How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn't grow in it?

236. If a store is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?

237. If 75% of all accidents happen within 5 miles of home, why not move 10 miles away?

238. If a case of the clap spreads, is it then considered a case of the applause?

239. If a chronic liar tells you he is a chronic liar do you believe him?

240. If a dog sweats through his tongue, why does he have armpits?

241. If a jogger runs a the speed of sound can he still hear his walkman?

242. If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?

243. If a tree fell on a mime in the forest, would he make a sound and would anyone care?

244. If God sneezes...what should you say?

245. If inert is to be stationary, what is ert?

246. If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

247. If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why does he keep doing it?

248. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

249. If soap is used to make you clean, why does it leave a scum?

250. If someone invented instant water, what would they mix it with?

251. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill herself, is it considered a hostage situation?

252. If the Energizer Bunny attacks someone, is it charged with battery?

253. If the folks at the psychic hotlines were really psychic, wouldn't they call you first?

254. If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their lights off?

255. If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth?

256. If women ran the Pentagon, would missiles and submarines be shaped differently?

257. If you bear a child, why do you have a cow?

258. If you dive into a pool of dry ice, can you swim without getting wet?

259. If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

260. If you have a friend who works for the Psychic Friends Network, should you plan a surprise birthday party for them?

261. If you have an open mind why don't your brains fall out?

262. If you have your finger touching the rearview mirror that says -- "objects in mirror are closer than they appear", how can that be possible?

263. If you keep trying to prove Murphy's Law, will something keep going wrong?

264. If you put freeze-dried coffee in the microwave, will you go back in time?

265. If you spend your day doing nothing, how do you know when you're done?

266. If you steal a clean slate, does it go on your record?

267. If you take a shower, where do you put it?  

268. Instead of talking to your plants, if you yell at them would they still grow, only to be troubled and insecure?

269. Is it progress if a cannibal learns to eat with a fork?

270. Is there a Dr. Salt?

271. Can you grow birds by planting birdseed?

272. Just before someone gets nervous, do they experience cocoons in their stomach?

273. Shouldn't it be some things in moderation?

274. There are 24 hours in a day, and 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?

275. What color is a chameleon on a mirror?

276. What did we do before the Law of Gravity was passed?

277. What do sheep count when they can't sleep?

278. What does it mean if you break a mirror with a rabbits foot?

279. What happens when you call a 1-800 number collect?

280. What is a free gift? Aren't all gifts free?

281. What part of the monkey do you use a monkey wrench on?

282. When blind people go to the bathroom, how do they know when they are done wiping their butt?

283. When people lose weight, where does it go?

284. When vultures are on their deathbed, are they ever tempted to eat themselves?

285. When you're sending someone styrofoam, what do you pack it in?

286. Who invented accents?

287. Who named everything?  

288. Who tows the tow trucks when they break down?

289. Why are some of the cabs from the Yellow Cab Company painted orange?

290. Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?

291. Why are we afraid of falling? Shouldn't we be afraid of the sudden stop?

292. Why aren't there bullet-proof pants?

293. Why do airlines call flights nonstop? Won't they all stop eventually?

294. Why do bars advertise live bands? What does a dead band sound like?

295. Why do people who only eat natural foods drink decaffeinated coffee?

296. Why do they call them "apartments" when they are all stuck together?

297. Why do they report power outages on TV?

298. Why do they sell a pound cake that only weighs 12 ounces?

299. Why do we have hot water heaters? Isn't hot water already hot?

300. Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?

301. Why does an alarm clock "go off" when it begins ringing?

302. Why does bottled water have an expiration date?

303. Why does flammable and inflammable mean the same thing?

304. Why doesn't "onomatopoeia" sound like what it is?

305. Why don't you ever see baby pigeons?

306. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?

307. Why is a women's prison called a penal colony?

308. Why is it so hard to remember how to spell MNEMONIC?

309. Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?

310. Why is it, whether you sit up or sit down, the result is the same?

311. Why is Mickey Mouse bigger than his dog Pluto?

312. Why is there only ONE Monopolies Commission?

313. Why isn't "palindrome" spelled the same way backwards?

314. Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

315. Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

316. You know how most packages say "Open here". What is the protocol if the package says, "Open somewhere else"?

317. Can fat people go skinny-dipping?

318. After eating, do amphibians have to wait an hour before getting out of the water?

319. Are there seeing eye humans for blind dogs?

320. Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Asians throw hamburgers?

321. Why do people without a watch look at their wrist when you ask them what time it is?

322. The light went out, but where to?

323. Does the reverse side also have a reverse side?

324. War doesn't determine who's right, just who's left.

325. If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?

326. Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?

327. Do hungry crows have ravenous appetites?

328. Is it possible to be totally partial?

329. What's another word for thesaurus?

330. Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

331. How do you know when it's time to tune your bagpipes?

332. Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

333. Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one?

334. Why are cigarettes sold in gas station when smoking is prohibited there?

335. If an orange is orange, whey isn't a lime called a green or a lemon called a yellow? - or maybe I'll just have a big bunch of purples

336. Why does a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

337. Why are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

338. Why do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.

339. Why do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

340. Why do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

341. Why do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

342. We use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.

343. Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

344. Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on "Start"?

345. Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

346. You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!

347. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?