Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me... just leave me the Hell alone.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tire.
It's always darkest just before dawn. So if you're going to steal the neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
Sex is like air; it's not important unless you're not getting any.
We are born wet, naked and hungry. Then things get worse.
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
Always remember you are unique, just like everyone else.
Never test the depth of the water with both feet!
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
If you think nobody cares if you are alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything.
If you drink, don't park. Accidents cause people.
Don't squat with your spurs on.
Good judgment comes from bad experience and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
There are two theories on arguing with women. Neither of them work.
Never miss a good chance to shut up.
Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your mouth is moving.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
Never mess up an apology with an excuse.